TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely from put. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But Indeed, confident, let us have Yet another put the place American Adult males can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace try because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though former negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: offer Everybody a set over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is soft electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in each device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he really should halt applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the project, replied, "You realize, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent folks. Great tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from Place, a aspect getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after acquiring the creating's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It's not just ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Functions


Perhaps the strangest aspect in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where by company could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "In the event you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD might have switch-down provider."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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